It's been a while since my last blog entry. In spite of the various turning points that I have had from the previous weeks, I found myself having the difficulty to write it down. This is the state every writer is avoiding to have. Writer's block. It's that moment when you just stare on the computer's monitor and you can't find the strength to type anything in spite of the many ideas that's been occupying your mind. Blank. Or that instance that you think that you're ready to write something and in fact, has started to write, but can't finish anything. It's quite difficult since writing is my bread and butter. So this entry may not be as eloquently written as the previous one. This is an attempt in ending this state.
Let me just start on what happened after I wrote the previous blog entry. As promised to myself, I started letting go of the things I used to know. I'm the type of person that gets rid of even the smallest memorabilia that will remind me of previous relationships. So I did get rid of all the things that will remind me of the four years that we've been together. It's funny that for the last two years since we broke up, I still held on to these things. Seeing these items in the trash bag broke my heart, especially Puchi, the stuffed animal he gave me for my 22nd birthday. But the event that transpired next did not occur to me.
One Saturday afternoon, I was having a walk in the market, and there he was, with the new love of his life. Suddenly I couldn't breathe again. And I felt a stab of pain that I never felt before. I got sick for a week without knowing why I feel so weak. I secluded myself from the world. I realized that I needed this. I needed the time to grieve and be vulnerable with the feelings I have been fighting and avoiding for the longest time. A friend told me that there's nothing wrong in regretting the decisions we made in our life. And she's right. I regret the day I left him for someone who will just betray me later on. I regret every pain that I caused him for the last two years. But towards the end of the grieving week, I realized that maybe we're just not meant to be together. He had his fair share of waiting for the day that I will be back in his loving arms. Sadly that realization came too late on my part. Now he needs someone who could understand him better, as I need someone who will also understand and value me more than he did. Somewhere along that four year relationship, both of us failed in understanding each other more than we already gave. And maybe in spite of even a little spark from deep inside of us, we both know that it will never be the same as the one that we had on that 27th day of July six years ago.
Sometimes I still miss him and still feel that inevitable pain every time thoughts of him come across my mind. But then again, all I can do is be happy for him, hoping that he has found someone who will truly love and understand him.
As for me. I'm starting to rebuild my life. I have released all of the angst I have for him, for myself, and for that person who has been an instrument why we're in this situation in the first place. I am hoping that I am wiser and stronger this time. In spite of the loneliness that I sometimes feel, I keep on praying that I will be able to forgive myself. It's true that regrets always come in the end. However it will also make you realize the mistakes that we had and hopefully will turn us into better individuals. I have let go of everything now except for that pain that I know will be there for quite a while. The 27th day of each month will now just be a memory of two people who have loved each other deeply, however, they grew apart and even the happiest memory could not bring them back. As the other half of that two people, I will face he coming days with a smile hoping that the other person faces his days happier than before.
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