Naaalala mo pa ba nung una tayong magkita?
Ngumiti ka sa akin ng may kislap sa mga mata.
Ako'y nabihag ng matamis mong ngiti,
At umasang tayo'y magkikitang muli.
Di nagtagal at ika'y nagpahayag ng pagsinta,
At inilihim ko ang kaligayahang nadarama.
Subalit damdamin ko'y hindi na maitago,
At hinayaan kong sa iyo ibigay ang puso.
Kaligayahan nati'y walang pagsidlan
Sa init ng araw kahit pa sa tag-ulan.
Ngunit isang bagyo ang biglang dumating
Sa isang iglap ika'y naglaho sa aking piling.
Pilit mang ibalik ang ating nakaraan,
Mga luha ko'y hindi na tumatahan,
Sinumpaang pangako'y tila nalimutan
At pag-ibig mo'y naglaho sa kawalan.
Sana'y magbalik ang dating pagsinta
Nawa'y sa pagtawag ko'y ika'y tumalima.
Lahat ng hiling ay aking gagawin
Hanggang sa huling hininga'y ako'y panawin.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Friday, October 29, 2010
Letting Go of the 27th Day
It's been a while since my last blog entry. In spite of the various turning points that I have had from the previous weeks, I found myself having the difficulty to write it down. This is the state every writer is avoiding to have. Writer's block. It's that moment when you just stare on the computer's monitor and you can't find the strength to type anything in spite of the many ideas that's been occupying your mind. Blank. Or that instance that you think that you're ready to write something and in fact, has started to write, but can't finish anything. It's quite difficult since writing is my bread and butter. So this entry may not be as eloquently written as the previous one. This is an attempt in ending this state.
Let me just start on what happened after I wrote the previous blog entry. As promised to myself, I started letting go of the things I used to know. I'm the type of person that gets rid of even the smallest memorabilia that will remind me of previous relationships. So I did get rid of all the things that will remind me of the four years that we've been together. It's funny that for the last two years since we broke up, I still held on to these things. Seeing these items in the trash bag broke my heart, especially Puchi, the stuffed animal he gave me for my 22nd birthday. But the event that transpired next did not occur to me.
One Saturday afternoon, I was having a walk in the market, and there he was, with the new love of his life. Suddenly I couldn't breathe again. And I felt a stab of pain that I never felt before. I got sick for a week without knowing why I feel so weak. I secluded myself from the world. I realized that I needed this. I needed the time to grieve and be vulnerable with the feelings I have been fighting and avoiding for the longest time. A friend told me that there's nothing wrong in regretting the decisions we made in our life. And she's right. I regret the day I left him for someone who will just betray me later on. I regret every pain that I caused him for the last two years. But towards the end of the grieving week, I realized that maybe we're just not meant to be together. He had his fair share of waiting for the day that I will be back in his loving arms. Sadly that realization came too late on my part. Now he needs someone who could understand him better, as I need someone who will also understand and value me more than he did. Somewhere along that four year relationship, both of us failed in understanding each other more than we already gave. And maybe in spite of even a little spark from deep inside of us, we both know that it will never be the same as the one that we had on that 27th day of July six years ago.
Sometimes I still miss him and still feel that inevitable pain every time thoughts of him come across my mind. But then again, all I can do is be happy for him, hoping that he has found someone who will truly love and understand him.
As for me. I'm starting to rebuild my life. I have released all of the angst I have for him, for myself, and for that person who has been an instrument why we're in this situation in the first place. I am hoping that I am wiser and stronger this time. In spite of the loneliness that I sometimes feel, I keep on praying that I will be able to forgive myself. It's true that regrets always come in the end. However it will also make you realize the mistakes that we had and hopefully will turn us into better individuals. I have let go of everything now except for that pain that I know will be there for quite a while. The 27th day of each month will now just be a memory of two people who have loved each other deeply, however, they grew apart and even the happiest memory could not bring them back. As the other half of that two people, I will face he coming days with a smile hoping that the other person faces his days happier than before.
Let me just start on what happened after I wrote the previous blog entry. As promised to myself, I started letting go of the things I used to know. I'm the type of person that gets rid of even the smallest memorabilia that will remind me of previous relationships. So I did get rid of all the things that will remind me of the four years that we've been together. It's funny that for the last two years since we broke up, I still held on to these things. Seeing these items in the trash bag broke my heart, especially Puchi, the stuffed animal he gave me for my 22nd birthday. But the event that transpired next did not occur to me.
One Saturday afternoon, I was having a walk in the market, and there he was, with the new love of his life. Suddenly I couldn't breathe again. And I felt a stab of pain that I never felt before. I got sick for a week without knowing why I feel so weak. I secluded myself from the world. I realized that I needed this. I needed the time to grieve and be vulnerable with the feelings I have been fighting and avoiding for the longest time. A friend told me that there's nothing wrong in regretting the decisions we made in our life. And she's right. I regret the day I left him for someone who will just betray me later on. I regret every pain that I caused him for the last two years. But towards the end of the grieving week, I realized that maybe we're just not meant to be together. He had his fair share of waiting for the day that I will be back in his loving arms. Sadly that realization came too late on my part. Now he needs someone who could understand him better, as I need someone who will also understand and value me more than he did. Somewhere along that four year relationship, both of us failed in understanding each other more than we already gave. And maybe in spite of even a little spark from deep inside of us, we both know that it will never be the same as the one that we had on that 27th day of July six years ago.
Sometimes I still miss him and still feel that inevitable pain every time thoughts of him come across my mind. But then again, all I can do is be happy for him, hoping that he has found someone who will truly love and understand him.
As for me. I'm starting to rebuild my life. I have released all of the angst I have for him, for myself, and for that person who has been an instrument why we're in this situation in the first place. I am hoping that I am wiser and stronger this time. In spite of the loneliness that I sometimes feel, I keep on praying that I will be able to forgive myself. It's true that regrets always come in the end. However it will also make you realize the mistakes that we had and hopefully will turn us into better individuals. I have let go of everything now except for that pain that I know will be there for quite a while. The 27th day of each month will now just be a memory of two people who have loved each other deeply, however, they grew apart and even the happiest memory could not bring them back. As the other half of that two people, I will face he coming days with a smile hoping that the other person faces his days happier than before.
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Turning Points
On my first blog entry I mentioned that a stressful two year relationship ended. I love long relationships. My relationship prior to that lasted for almost four years. It did not end because we stopped loving each other, but because his work got in the way. And yes, I thought I found someone that would be able to fill his place.
In spite of not being together, we remained good friends. He's that one person here on Earth who has protected me through everything. Sometimes over protecting me. He's the only person to whom I can cry my heart out. For every misery and heartbreak that I've been through after our relationship, he had been there for me. I can say that I've been comfortable with the fact that he's always there to pick me up every time I fall down.
I thought things will always remain the way it used to be. Every time I'm asking him if he has found someone else to love, his reply would be no. But things are bound to change. I have Learned from a common friend that he has someone special in his life right now. And suddenly I can't breathe. It seems that the world has stopped revolving.
I was surprised with myself. I kept asking why I am feeling so miserable. I never thought that I would feel so hollow inside when that glimmer of hope inside him fades and decided to let go. The heavy feeling inside me felt heavier. I am able to endure and survive the hardships because I know that somewhere in this cruel world, there's someone like him that truly loves me. But then even that is gone now.
With this recent event, I realized various things. I realized that I feel so bad because we truly had a good four years together. I realized that I loved him more. I realized that somewhere in the remote corner of my heart, I still hope that it would be the two of us. That our love for each other will lead us back to the way it was before. That now I regret letting go of that someone I cannot bear to see being held by someone else.
However, I had made the most important realization. That this is the turning point for both of us. I have to learn on how to let go of him. I have to figure out on how to cry without him. I have to endure the pain brought by his absence.
We have to make ourselves move on. I hope he has started to. Because right now I am still stranded on that same ground two years ago when I hurt him. I have to make myself move on.
It's funny how sometimes we surprise even our own selves. One stressful event led to a major turning point. I hope he can read this. To you, my protector, my confidante, my friend, my great love: It's your time to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don't worry about me. As one of my friends told me, I am a fighter. I won't hold back my tears but believe me, I am happy for you. Thank you for a wonderful six years full of loving memories, exchange of knowledge and realizations. Now, I must face tomorrow truly on my own.
In spite of not being together, we remained good friends. He's that one person here on Earth who has protected me through everything. Sometimes over protecting me. He's the only person to whom I can cry my heart out. For every misery and heartbreak that I've been through after our relationship, he had been there for me. I can say that I've been comfortable with the fact that he's always there to pick me up every time I fall down.
I thought things will always remain the way it used to be. Every time I'm asking him if he has found someone else to love, his reply would be no. But things are bound to change. I have Learned from a common friend that he has someone special in his life right now. And suddenly I can't breathe. It seems that the world has stopped revolving.
I was surprised with myself. I kept asking why I am feeling so miserable. I never thought that I would feel so hollow inside when that glimmer of hope inside him fades and decided to let go. The heavy feeling inside me felt heavier. I am able to endure and survive the hardships because I know that somewhere in this cruel world, there's someone like him that truly loves me. But then even that is gone now.
With this recent event, I realized various things. I realized that I feel so bad because we truly had a good four years together. I realized that I loved him more. I realized that somewhere in the remote corner of my heart, I still hope that it would be the two of us. That our love for each other will lead us back to the way it was before. That now I regret letting go of that someone I cannot bear to see being held by someone else.
However, I had made the most important realization. That this is the turning point for both of us. I have to learn on how to let go of him. I have to figure out on how to cry without him. I have to endure the pain brought by his absence.
We have to make ourselves move on. I hope he has started to. Because right now I am still stranded on that same ground two years ago when I hurt him. I have to make myself move on.
It's funny how sometimes we surprise even our own selves. One stressful event led to a major turning point. I hope he can read this. To you, my protector, my confidante, my friend, my great love: It's your time to be happy. You deserve to be happy. Don't worry about me. As one of my friends told me, I am a fighter. I won't hold back my tears but believe me, I am happy for you. Thank you for a wonderful six years full of loving memories, exchange of knowledge and realizations. Now, I must face tomorrow truly on my own.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Chapter 1 - First Blog Post
This will be my very first post. A friend suggested that I should start blogging in order to cope with what I am dealing right now. A stressful two-year relationship has ended recently. And it was a very bad break up. I have been cheated. What really hurts is not the break up itself. But the fact that a friend whom eventually became a lover was able to do such thing, and that he did not respect the friendship that we had is what bringing the most excruciating pain. And to top it all, I have never been this angry my entire life. I cannot even find the strength to cry. But then again, one of my girl friends told me that he isn't worth the tears anymore.
It has been a very difficult three weeks for me. A friend from South Korea told me that in order to find my true happiness I should first determine my true purpose in life. I have known my purpose in life long before. However, does that purpose entails that I will be alone in my life time?
So far, I am coping with the help of friends and with the help of a constant communication with the Supreme Being. I will be able to share more random thoughts in my future posts.
It has been a very difficult three weeks for me. A friend from South Korea told me that in order to find my true happiness I should first determine my true purpose in life. I have known my purpose in life long before. However, does that purpose entails that I will be alone in my life time?
So far, I am coping with the help of friends and with the help of a constant communication with the Supreme Being. I will be able to share more random thoughts in my future posts.
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